Here's Where I Stand on Monogamy vs. Polyamory

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When it comes to romantic relationships, people who prefer monogamy and those who prefer polyamory may seem like warring political factions, each trying to convince the masses that their side is better. The truth, however, is that the division is usually less clear-cut. 

Polyamory vs. Polygamy

Let's settle the technical terms first. Polygamy and polyamory are not the same; the first deals exclusively with marriage, and it is illegal (though technically possible) to marry more than one person in this country. Yes, that includes Utah, although its punishment in this state is much less severe than in all the others. Polyamory, on the other hand, means you simply have a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one person at the same time (some definitions stipulate that all parties are aware of the arrangement).

Contemporary relationship dynamics have made all kinds of dating acceptable, and because exclusivity can be eschewed or loosely defined, most people who “date around” find themselves in a polyamorous relationship at some point. They may argue that it isn’t polyamory if it’s just sex, but that argument would be best had with a dictionary.

Fantasy vs. Practice

What I've learned in my journey through life is that almost everyone makes a concerted push for a fully monogamous romantic relationship in their early adult years. Unfortunately, the effort isn't always matched or upheld in practice. When faced with a cheating event, many people choose to end the relationship altogether. An unknowable number of people opt to remain in the relationship and "cheat back," engaging in their own extra-romantic affairs. Sometimes it happens openly, sometimes it happens behind the initial cheater’s back. Either way—surprise! These people have unwittingly found themselves knee deep in one of the polyamorous relationships they used to down upon. 

There are also people who knowingly enter a sexual or romantic relationship without either party ever deciding to date exclusively. These long-branched, multifarious relationships mean everyone involved is a willing participant in polyamory. I've seen relationships like this evolve into marriage and long term commitment, without ever becoming fully exclusive, and living what, at least on the surface, appears to be a happy life. 

Another thing personal experiences have taught me is that monogamy is often a performance. Because it’s a commonly accepted norm in society, my belief is that most couples want their families and social circles to believe their relationships are tight-knit and closed. It protects the health and security of both parties; however, in reality, few couples that I encounter are sexually monogamous for the duration of their relationships, an observation that applies to same and opposite sex couples alike. I can't put a number on it, as it is a very private matter in most cases, but since reaching my thirties, I notice the scale is tipped significantly toward the poly side—and it is not close.

The soft truth is that if you prioritize monogamy, you are probably oriented toward shorter term relationships. If you prioritize almost anything else and make monogamy a preference, rather than a deal breaker, then a longer term relationship becomes much more accessible. If you want my advice, ask yourself every so often what will work best for you in that moment, and give little regard to the opinions of people who don’t love you.

Today vs. Tomorrow

I've had every type of relationship you can imagine; monogamous, polyamorous (secretly), polyamorous (openly), casual, committed, and even romantically asexual. I believe people change and relationships with them. Today, I still feel strongly that romance cannot flourish without sexual monogamy and is not worth pursuing if it isn’t on the table. Though as surely as relationships change, my outlook may evolve into being purposely and readily open to different forms of sex and romance with a single person—including polyamory. Someday. Just not today. Not in a great many tomorrows, either. 

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