Outsourcing in a Relationship

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There's a concept that most coupled people use, either consciously or inadvertently, that single people who are seeking a long term relationship should acquaint themselves with sooner rather than later. As most everyone is aware, people come with all sorts of hangups; they can be sexual, emotional, financial, and so on. Traditionally, people in romantic relationships are expected to fulfill all of their partner's needs. As idealistic as that sounds, realistically, we are bound to fall short in one aspect or another. That is where outsourcing comes in. I spoke to three couples (anonymously) about their experiences with outsourcing to learn how good—or bad—of an idea it is to freely give away a potentially vital part of one’s relationship. 

Couple A

Our first couple outsourced something that is not only easily given away, but also essential to a thriving relationship—their communication. When talks between the two lovers became strained, they found solace in communicating their qualms and desires with friends, instead of with each other, where blame was often weaponized in damaging fashion. "It was the way of our relationship for a while," one partner noted. "Until, eventually, the friends started giving 'advice' that was not helpful to the relationship." Unfortunately, the dissolution of communication between the two partners soon generated problems of its own. When they realized that outsourcing such an important part of their bond was actually not helpful, the couple sought out professional assistance to help them recover what they'd lost. 

After entering relationship counseling, the pair managed to create constructive ways to convey their feelings and validate each other, to each other. "[It] forced us to be more introspective instead of externalizing blame, and as a result, we came to conversations with a more open mind." Needless to say, the outsourcing of communication ceased at that point, which proved to be supremely helpful for them both. From that point forward, issues that either of them had remained in-house, and friends were none the wiser.

Couple B

Our second couple also played a risky game when they decided to outsource a section of their sex lives. This was a same sex male couple–one identified as a top, and the other, fully versatile, preferring to put both positions into practice. So when the versatile partner wanted to penetrate, they often sought out a third companion. At first, this was a successful arrangement, but outsourcing that one sexual feat grew into something that perhaps neither party expected. “It started off as bottoming, but ended up being all sex,” one partner confided.

At some point, several years into their relationship, the couple stopped having sex with each other altogether. “I assumed he didn’t want to have sex with me because he didn’t find me attractive, which made me resentful and diminished my desire to be sexual with him.” It seemed they had all the parts–they had agreed that they’d experience all third parties together–yet their relationship began to circle the drain nonetheless. Could outsourcing have been instrumental in the deterioration of this couple’s sex life?

Unfortunately, deceit was at play in this particular relationship. “When we ended, I found out that he was not abiding by those agreements,” one partner said of his now-former lover. After nine long years together, the couple eventually decided to call it quits–largely at the behest of the partner who had already secretly outsourced his entire sex life. This potentially helpful tool couldn’t keep this couple from splitting, but let’s explore one that it actually worked for.

Couple C

Our final couple began their relationship hundreds of miles away from each other. Naturally, because it was a long distance relationship, physical needs were unlikely to be met as often as necessary. Like the last couple, they also outsourced their sex, but they held tight to the requisites they had set forth in the beginning. “There were boundaries that had to be kept,” one partner told me. “We had an agreement that before we do something, tell each other and to always be respectful.” The couple maintained a goal of not having each other looking “crazy in these streets.” These boundaries were successfully maintained until the two moved in together. Now, eight years in, the couple is expecting a child together.

In Summary

It seems important to say that, whenever you outsource anything in a relationship, do so deliberately, openly, with reciprocity, and communicate your comfort level throughout. If at any point you feel that there’s a barrier between you and your partner that not even outsourcing can remedy, couple’s counseling can serve as a suitable plan-B. When used correctly, both outsourcing and therapy can be a supremely useful tools for maintaining relationship longevity. Just don’t go outsourcing things behind your partner’s backs.

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