The Importance of Coaching

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One unfortunate fact of life is that none of us know everything. We have to be trained in nearly all aspects of it – from school, to new jobs, how to be better friends, and so on. Sex and dating are no different. As much as we'd like to believe we're all sexual superstars and perfect partners, take it from me when I tell you that coaching in these areas can go a long way.

Coaching is most effective when used with someone whom you plan to have sex with regularly. Although it would be perfectly fine to offer some friendly advice to every new sex partner you have, implementation doesn't always happen on the spot and could take some repetitious, gentle nudging before you get where you want to go. The key here is patience. If you aren’t willing to demonstrate that with someone you’re sharing an intimate moment with, there’s a separate article on the way that will speak directly to you. If you’re still here, let’s dive in.

Physical traits might get you in the door, but the path to having sex you truly enjoy tends to be more psychological. To that end, I approached professional sex and relationship therapist Dr. Machel Hunt to help elucidate the connections between the sex you have and the things you share with your partner(s). 

If better sex is your goal, it first helps to understand what makes sex better for you. When asked about what that is for most people, Dr. Hunt listed a small variety of the most common answers: "Having a better connection with [your] partners, lasting longer, having more stamina, feeling less anxious, or a variety of pleasures," were at the top of most people’s lists. If you're not sure which of these turns you on most, it might help to think about past sexual experiences that you enjoyed most. What about them made it memorable for you? Once you start to identify a common thread, you’re on the right track.

In a talk with another sex therapist, I learned that a major factor in how you perceive pleasure during sex is how you feel once it’s over. This sometimes has less to do with the sex itself and more about how accommodating your partner was; did they make sure you were having a good time and ask you what feels good, or were you given a napkin and sent on your way? Sometimes having no response at all can adversely impact your memory of the experience. The point here is that when non sexual things go well, it almost always lends itself to a better sexual experience.

Once you’re well enough aware of the things you enjoy, the next step is communicating what you've learned about yourself to your partner. Here, Dr. Hunt recommends being intentional in sharing your needs: "Be bold with what you want and have realistic expectations of yourself and your partner(s)." Exactly how these conversations look can vary from person to person, but starting with the things that I like most has always worked for me. You might try experimenting with initiating these discussions during the act, having a roundup after it’s over, or casually bringing it up during unrelated activities. Once you find your groove, and the method that you and your partner are most responsive to, coaching becomes easier received and applied.

Two motifs were consistently highlighted throughout my talk with Dr. Hunt – honesty and listening. “It’s so important in relationships to not expect to have an answer to everything. Sometimes the process of understanding is the best way to relate to your partner, as opposed to having to have a solution to every challenge.” If any part of your sexual relationship with a person is lacking, the process of working toward a solution might just become the solution itself. Experimentation can be a joy and discussing things out loud can teach you things about yourself that you weren’t even aware of. 

If, after reading this article, the art of coaching is still daunting to you, my advice would be to share this read with whomever you'd like to have better sex with and let it serve as a conversation starter. It shouldn't feel like a confrontation or evaluation, but more like a gateway to achieving a version of sex that makes all parties involved happy and wanting more. After all, the only thing better than having a memorable, earth-shattering, deeply satisfying orgasm, is being the person who gives one away.

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