Using Exclusion Tactics to Find Your Best Match

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We all desire sex and romance, and while we often start with the attributes we prefer our partners to have, it may sometimes be more insightful to explore the reasons we tend to exclude a heaping majority of eligible suitors from our sex and dating pools.

This isn’t about weighing attractiveness. Assuming you like someone who likes you, there are a host of other factors that might prevent you and a potential partner from taking your relationship to the next level. Let’s explore a few of the exclusions I’ve developed, the categories they fall into, and how they’ve shaped my dating experiences.

Emotional

For me, a positive sex or dating experience depends heavily on emotional alignment. Potential misalignments include a difference of intention, one of us desiring more or less of a romantic connection than the other, or simply being at vastly different stages of our individual healing journeys.

In my experience, these and similar misalignments tend to leave one or both partners dissatisfied with the experience. Since learning to anticipate that dissatisfaction, emotional misalignments have led me to decline both sexual and romantic advancements whenever they present themselves.

Physical

Sexual health is important to me. That doesn't necessarily mean I need guaranteed assurance that my sex partner(s) are free of all sexually transmitted infections; after all, rarely are people with multiple sex partners 100% certain of that fact. It does however mean they need to be in active, ongoing conversations about their sexual health with a medical professional.

Perhaps surprisingly, this exclusion is more likely to apply to people who are HIV+ and in treatment, than to those who are not enrolled in any antiretroviral (ART) or PrEP program. Upon receiving an HIV diagnosis, most people are immediately thrust into a treatment program that includes extensive education on sexual health that people who remain negative and not on PrEP likely never receive. For me, this education is paramount in establishing or continuing a sexual relationship.

Social

Perhaps the most pressing, a wide array of social parameters limit who I'm willing to engage with sexually or romantically. For example, I generally exclude all of my close friends' romantic partners, past and present. For a person with at least a dozen romantically active close friends, that rule immediately tables a large swath of potential partners.

Privacy is an increasingly important factor, and there are some people for whom a private romantic life is simply not an option. This was negotiable in the past; however, in my experience, inviting strangers into the romantic life of anyone who is deemed simultaneously desirable and accessible can be a recipe for disaster.

Finally, it’s necessary for the people I engage with to lead with kindness. I’ve learned that we’re all going through something. I believe that people who deliberately work to make life even harder for those around them actually do deserve less. So I would not offer my affection or my body to a person who regularly displays malicious intentions.

Cultural

My culture is important to me; so much so, that I realize I have a difficult time connecting with people who are not a part of it on an intimate level. My culture is also quite specific, even relative to my nationality and ethnic background, so the more things I have in common with a potential suitor, the more attracted I usually am to them. That doesn't necessarily mean people of different cultures are excluded, but the road to my heart–or, draws–may be a bit longer for them.

Being able to articulate the reasons why we exclude certain people from romance, even in spite of their attractiveness and eligibility, can help open up conversations with suitors that move relationships along at a slightly faster pace. This has also added a much needed firmness to my dating and sex life. I have a fuller understanding of what I want, my preferences, and my dealbreakers as a result. Hopefully it makes conversations with your suitors easier, too.

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